White Stag (PERMAFROST #1)

Chapter Three: A Heart Freshly Broken

My father only shook his head. "You'll understand someday, Janneke. I promise. For now, use the skills you've learned well. Protect those you love."

I'm sorry.

I bit my lip. There was nothing I could do about it now. Nothing I could say could break me from the bonds I had. No matter what, I had to do this Hunt. I couldn't disobey a direct order from my master. And if Soren was hell bent on making me one of his own, I knew it had to be a matter of time.

I'm sorry I disappointed you. My six sisters were as beautiful as the moon and stars before their skin burnt off and their bodies were violated in every way imaginable. My mother would sing me to sleep in the language of her mother's people, tell me I was beautiful despite the hunting leathers and mud and messy hair. Her only flaw was sending me to chop firewood in the middle of the cold. It was the last time I'd heard her voice. My father had taught me everything I knew, everything that helped me survive in the Permafrost, but I knew now he'd disapprove of becoming like them. He'd rather I'd kill myself.

But even if I was dead, I wouldn't go back to them. Those who took their life by their own hands didn't join their family in the afterlife. Either way, Soren'd placed a suicide bind on me long ago. If I even thought about hurting myself; he would know. I couldn't escape in death and if I was being completely honest with myself, I didn't want to. The urge to live, to survive, burned in my like a raging fire. But I wanted to live as a human, not a goblin.

There had to be another way. The Hunt would take me outside the Permafrost eventually. If I was outside the borders of the Permafrost, armed and horsed, I could escape. The bind that kept me from escaping wouldn't mean anything once I was in the human world. The binds that tied me to Soren and the 'frost would be harder to escape from, but if I was in the human world, perhaps it would work. I doubted Soren would decide I was more important to chase after than the Stag. All I had to do was join Soren on the Hunt and play along as well as I could, keep my humanity in check, and when the time came, run like Hel to my freedom. It would be difficult, but not impossible.

My lungs were on fire and I released the breath I'd been holding. I could do this. I had to.

I don't know how long I stared at that empty chasm, but I knew it was long enough for shreds of orange light to trickle in from the skylights and for the sound of careful footsteps to come my way. Light, quiet, almost effortless. Whoever they were, they were not human. After the incident with Lydian, that could spell some very nasty things for me.

Shuffling through the darkness, I gave my sight over to my touch and grabbed at the rock furthest away from the edge. Grappling for a hold on the loose, porous bits, I pulled myself up and into a crevice nearly too small and waited. When I was in a safe-enough position, I closed my eyes. Even with the light shining through the skylights, it was too little to get any idea what or who was coming through.

When you couldn't count on your eyes, you counted on everything else. There were at least three walkers, one with a heavy gait that even he couldn't contain. Two brutes and a she-goblin, I could smell that much even from here. Goblin males smelled like fire; their women, ice. Another smell played on the back of my tongue; iron poisoning. It was just a hint of the bitterness, not enough for it to be Lydian's, but definitely one of the men he'd come into contact with.

They started speaking; voices echoing down the chamber.

"You're telling me you want to ally with Elvira after the laughingstock Soren's whore made you?" This was the she-goblin, someone whose name I couldn't recall. She must've been Elvira's subordinate. Back during the fight with Lydian, the she-gobin's fierce eyes looked like they wanted to consume me.