Chapter Eight:
Reconciliation
The wind blowing through the trees was the only sound while I digested what Soren told me. Every cell in my body ached to reject it and prove it wasn't true but deep down in my bones, I knew he wasn't lying. The revelation had me shivering.
My mind whirled with the memories of the past; bits of stories that at first had no meaning now held all the answers in the world. They way the other villagers looked at me, the scornful whispers as I streaked by them with a bow in my arms, reveling in the feeling of solitude in the freezing forest, the ambitious drive that pushed me to be faster, stronger, smarter, better than all the others, the way I stood strong in the first year of the Permafrost while everyone collapsed around me. It all made sense except for one thing that sunk in my stomach like a large stone.
"You didn't..." I could scarcely get the words out. "Have anything to do with the raid on my village, did you?" I fought the dread threatening to swallow me as I waited for his answer.
Soren's eyes shone brightly with concern; it was like looking at a whole different person.
"No," he said and my heart sunk in relief. "During the time of Lydian's raid, I was busy finalizing my lordship."
I shuddered. It was no secret that younger goblins usurped and killed their sires when they became strong enough to rule in their place. If there were goblins loyal to their old lord they were dealt with just like the overseer was all those years ago. For a young goblin, the path to power was always stained with blood.
"When I came to the village it was already in ruins," he continued on. "You can imagine my surprise when Lydian threw you in front of my feet."
Lydian. Even his name turned my veins to ice. That man—no, that thing—was more evil than any creature I would ever encounter. Ever. I looked away as Soren searched my face. I didn't want him to see the fear there.
"I don't know all of what he did to you, Janneke," he said softly. "But I know some of it and I know I will never let him touch you again."
I took a deep breath, pulling my arms around me. The temperature had dropped to freezing by now, the sun all the way past the horizon. In the dark, moonless sky, the trees stretched up like fingers trying to steal the stars. It was so quiet, so still, nothing but the sound of the breath in our lungs.
"So why was I a slave?" I asked, the question burning inside of me.
Soren shook his head. "That wasn't part of the original plan. But the original plan was foiled when Lydian captured you. When he gave you to me, it was as a slave. I couldn't change that without a proper loophole. I tried to make it easier...make it so you would be spared from the labor and be able to stay by my side. So that one day, I could claim you had forsaken your human roots and thus were a slave no longer."
The wind howled around us, I swore that the roots we sat on were coming to life. The Permafrost was full of the sounds of night; hooting owls, the calls of wolves, and the far-off cries of fighting goblins. My mind wandered back to the camp, where Rekke and Elvira were. I wouldn't put it past Elvira to be plotting another way to kill me; after I injured her snow cat she looked mad enough to disembowel me right there and then.
I looked down at my hands. The tawny colored palms were full of callouses and old scars. Hard muscle shaped my arms and shoulders; rippling down my sides. Was this the body of a human or a goblin? Did these hands, which could bear the razor sharp bowstring of a Permafrost bow without bleeding, belong among other humans who would never understand then?
Pain burst deep in my chest at the thought of my family; my mother, my father, and my sisters. They must've known my fate and dreaded it as I grew wilder by the day.
In the deepest, darkest part of my memory my parents whispered about my fate by firelight and a dream of a frozen land that reappeared over and over while an inhuman voice called for me.
"What are you thinking, Janneke?" Soren asked; alarmed at my long silence. "What are you feeling?"
Nothing. Not horror or anger or sadness. Just numbness, so thick and strong it was almost painful, blocking out any type of thought, emotion, or reaction. Just a blank stare wondering if this had always been my fate and the feeling that yes, yes it probably was.
"I don't know," I said. "I really don't."
Born on the border of the Permafrost with the coldness of the land in my blood, it made sense.
Soren reached out and brushed a lock of my hair back into place. The brush of his fingertips against my cheek sent a shiver down my spine, but for once it wasn't one of fear. He thinks it's how you build trust. I had to give him credit for trying.
"Will I really turn into a goblin?" I asked.
"Your blood is laced with the same type of power as mine, so you have the blood of one so-to-speak," he said, after a moment, "but you have the heart and mind of a human. You clutch to the heart like it's your lifeline, but you need to be one with your blood if you want to continue to survive otherwise you'll go mad."
I took a deep breath. Continue to survive. The chanting of the flickering flames inside me grew stronger. Survive. Survive. Survive.
"Then what was the point of this; of you taking me on the hunt. Did you lie?"
"I wanted you to accept your blood and," he paused, sharp canines biting his lower lip, "I went about it the wrong way. I should've told you the truth from the beginning but I didn't know how. I was afraid. I'm sorry."
I froze in shock. I didn't think Soren would ever apologize for anything. I didn't think he understood the concept of an apology. This Soren was different from the lord I knew years ago...or maybe I'd just never knew him at all until now. I shifted uncomfortably in the silence that followed.
"What will you do now?" he asked.
"Do I have a choice?"
"Well, as far as I see it, you could leave. Releasing you from whatever bind I've made would be hard. It might even kill you, which was why I thought it would be better to dissolve it over time as you embraced your nature. Assuming you survived, you could go back to the human world. You'd have to travel far away from the Permafrost, somewhere where the Burnt Lands are no more than just legends. With the power built up inside of you, you probably wouldn't be able to hunt again. It would attract others. But you could have a chance at a normal human life. Fall in love, raise a family, the things you wouldn't have had even back in your own village. Or...you could stay here..." he trailed off.
"And become goblin or as good as," I finished.
"There aren't many like you, Janneke. Human hearted and goblin blooded; I don't know which choice would make you happy and which wouldn't. I just know that you'll go mad if you're torn between the worlds."
The stillness in my heart frightened me; there should've been turbulence. There should've been pain crashing down like spiked ice and despair rushing through me like sucking mud. There should've been hate and fear and rage. But instead there was the quiet calmness of a land after surviving a strong storm.
I could leave. I could leave the Permafrost and go back to wherever I had been before here; find Elvenhule, see the remains of what was left of my family. I would find some other village, far, far away from the Permafrost and assimilate back into human culture. Fall in love, raise a family, I could lock all the memories of the Permafrost in a corner of my mind and never let it out again.
But the heartbeat of the Permafrost was like thunder underneath my feet, and the prey lines were clear as the morning's sun. Branches fluttered with birds and I could recognize each of their individual songs, and hear the direwolves singing their serenade to the moonless sky. The cold air on my shoulders were a mother's caress, and the darkness in my eyes a warm, thick blanket.
This place could become my home if I let it; if I accepted the beauty, however cruel, that it possessed. If I left I would never hunt again and forget the whispers of the trees and the language of the living. If I stayed, there was a chance my humanity would slip away. It was such a thin line: happiness and comfort, spirit and safety.
"I don't know what I'll do," I said, finally. "I need to think."
Soren glanced up at the dark, moonless sky. "You'll need to decide soon."
"It's more than a decision...I don't want to be—"
"A monster?" Soren cut me off. "Remember what I said before? We're all monsters, Janneke, in some way. Every creature has a foe, the thing that can destroy it. That doesn't mean we're evil. It just means that it's nature at its work. Besides, I always thought that a being was only a monster when they became blinded to the outcome of their actions." He let out a small smile. "I don't think you're the type of person to forget that everything comes with a price."
"I never took you for a philosopher," I said.
His lips twitched. "I won't lie and say my kind are never monstrous. Just that we're only as monstrous as your kind are."
A chilly breeze blew against my still-wet hair and I shuddered. "We should probably get back."
Soren nodded. "Your teeth are beginning to chatter. Besides, we don't want Elvira to think someone picked us off now, do we?"
"We've been lucky." A fight with Helka and a few humans, a race against collapsing ground, a few dead bodies, those were nothing against a full-scale fight between us and any other armed group out for our power and the Stag.
But as we head deeper and deeper into the Stag's territory and farther away from the edge of the worlds it wouldn't be long before we ran into someone. Not to mention sooner or later, our alliance with Rekke and Elvira would break for good. There could only be one winner of this Hunt.
We trudged through the darkened landscape with Soren in the lead. His eyes were stronger than mine by far, picking up little anomalies in the blackness that I couldn't see. I was silent as I chewed over my question, wondering if it was worth asking. Then I spoke.
"When are we going to double cross Elvira and Rekke?"
Soren turned to me and through the darkness his purple eyes glittered. "Do you think so little of me that you believe I'd betray our most honorable allies?"
I snorted. "Does that question need an answer?"
"Can you just humor me?" he groaned. "I'm trying to be sarcastic."
"That's not sarcasm."
"I can tell." The words came out in a quiet growl.
"Why do you do that?" I asked.
He frowned. "Growl? It's...a way to express how I'm feeling, I guess? Different tones mean different things. I was frustrated. So I growled."
"Like a cat," I said.
"A cat?"
"Every meow means something different," I explained. "Every growl means something different. Like a cat."
"A cat," Soren repeated, frowning. "I'm much more regal than a cat."
"You're as arrogant as one."
"I will pretend I didn't hear that," he said. "Also, cats aren't arrogant. They just know who's in charge. Besides, if I'm a cat, you're a dog." He smiled at the look on my face. "You'd be one of those scruffy little mutts. A hybrid of some sort, I think. You would look cute. I would even let you on the furniture."
I blinked. There was no responding to that. Soren chuckled to himself as we continued back toward camp. Right here and now he definitely didn't seem like a monster. The idea was almost as painful to absorb as another goblin's power, but it was slowly sinking in. The sleeping forms of Rekke and Elvira materialized before us. I glared at the she-goblin. Now there was someone I could do without.
"You don't like them?" Soren asked.
"Rekke is fine. She reminds me almost of a human. It's Elvira that bothers me." I said. "Not just because she wants to kill me, either."
"You threaten her," Soren said, shrugging.
"How can I threaten her? She's more than a millennium older than me and I don't even want to guess how many times more powerful. Then again, considering that she took Rekke on the Hunt in order to kill her, perhaps she has an inferiority complex."
He shook his head, sighing. "Rekke shouldn't be on this Hunt."
"I thought you didn't trust her."
"I didn't. I thought her innocence was an act. It isn't." He scowled. "She's young. Younger than you are, even. She should still be learning with a tutor and playing games with goblins her own age." His eyes grew dark. "I've done many things and I don't regret most of them, but I can't abide by those who snatch little birds from their nests and break their wings before they're even ready to fly."
I shivered, my breath turning to frost in the air.
Soren's gaze was thoughtful. "Are you afraid?"
"No," I said. "I'm not afraid. I'm angry."
The conversation ceased as we reached the camp. Both women were fast asleep on their bedrolls, the giant snow cat resting it's leopard-like spotted body against his master's. When his chest rose and fell with each breath the wound on his flank glistened red. Rekke was curled in a tight ball, little whimpers escaping from her lips every so often. My heart hurt watching her.
"We can't do anything about it," Soren said from beside me, but reproach glittered in his eyes.
I unrolled by bedroll, placing it as far as Elvira and Rekke as I could. I wasn't going to tempt fate with the elder goblin. Panic trotted over to me, his sleepy brown eyes blinking lazily. Attached to his saddle were my bow and sheath, as well as my axe. I unhooked them, placing them where I could easily reach them in case of an emergency or assassination attempt. The horse nickered and pawed at the dry, dusty ground. I shook my head at him.
"Sorry, Panic. No grass." He flattened his ears, so I added, "I don't have anything to eat either. We'll be hungry together."
I lay on my bedroll, trying to get comfortable when the whoosh of air suggested someone was lying down beside me. My shoulders tightened. Soren was so close I could feel the warmth radiating off his skin. Like before, my body greedily sucked it up. His breath was even in his lungs like a gentle nighttime rhythm among the silent darkness.
"Give me some space," I grumbled.
Soren rolled over so he was facing me. "You know, you could eat if you wanted to."
"I don't like raw meat," I said. "It doesn't matter if I can digest it. It's gross."
"Suit yourself." You'll cave sooner or later his eyes said.
I scowled and tried to get comfortable on the bedroll. The bearskin was on the other side of Soren and if I got closer to him, I was sure I'd end up in a position like the night before. The last thing I needed was Rekke commenting on my relationship with Soren. "Go to sleep."
My eyes closed and I willed my body to relax, releasing muscles I hadn't know where stiff. The hard riding, the humans' attack, the sinking ground, and the revelation all were echoing in my head like the pulse of a beating drum. Icy wind blew through the trees and I shivered, only to be covered with the thick bearskin. When I turned around to shoot Soren a glare, he lay still, feinting at sleep.
"I don't need you to take care of me," I said. The barrier between us was dwindling down faster than ever. I had to at least try to keep some defenses up even if they felt futile.
Still, I wrapped the bearskin around myself and burrowed my head under it's softness. The precious warmth was a godsend in this freezing place.
"Janneke," Soren whispered in the darkness.
"Yes?"
"Promise me whatever you do, whatever you decide, you won't hurt yourself. I don't think I could live knowing that you've done something like that." He rested his gaze on me and I found myself trapped in his light eyes.
"You would get over it. After all, I'm just a slave."
"Is that what you think?" he asked. "Or is that just your excuse?"
I was silent.
He reached out and brushed my cheek with his thumb. I shivered, but not from fear. There was something burning deep inside of me that was beginning to make itself noticed. Something about his soft words and caresses, the strange mingle of fury and concern inside of me drew me closer like a moth to a flame. Yes, the walls were crumbling and the defenses were dying, replaced by soft thoughts that told me to let him in and a burning want inside me that desired something I didn't even understand.
An owl hooted somewhere in the distance, calling to it's mate. Soren was still watching me with softness in his gaze. The burning traveled down to my navel and stayed there. "Promise me," he whispered.
My eyelids were drooping. I was too tired to argue. Too tired to do much more than curl into a semi-comfortable position and sleep. "Fine," I said. "I promise."
For the second time, I fell asleep wrapped in his warm embrace.
###
Around me the forest was dark. The lush, full leaves rustled with every step I took; hiding the world around me. I ran with my bow across my back, an axe in my hand. Screaming. They were in this forest somewhere; my mother, my father, my sisters. They were here. I couldn't doubt it. I couldn't let myself believe otherwise. The smell of smoke stung my nose as I jumped over log after fallen log.
"Go get some firewood," Ma had said. "Avette needs the lodge to be warmer if her baby is going to grow strong."
My beautiful sister with long, copper colored hair held her baby boy to her breast. The winter was harsher than usual and if her milk dried up, that would be the end of him.
Those memories burned through my mind like the smoke that stung my nose and throat. One thought repeated over and over. I should've stayed. I should've stayed. I should've stayed.
I was a coward, diving into the underground river the moment I heard the battle cries. I was a coward who'd rather save her own life than die with her family. I was a coward because I knew exactly how to survive and I didn't try to bring anyone with me.
Now alone on the bitter, broken field that used to be the village plumes of vile, purple smoke rose high into the air. Bile rose in my throat at the charred smell of human remains and as I walked throughout the burnt village, I couldn't help but see bodies I recognized. Women frozen in expressions of sheer terror and pain, men dead with their weapons in their hands, their bodies covering their loved ones, children who lay with their skulls crushed in. Some still had flesh on their bodies and the carrion crows overhead circled while they waited for their feast. Some only had scorched bone left of them. I tripped over the growing pile of bones, hands splaying out on the head of an infant. There was just enough skin and flesh left to make out beautiful copper hair and blue eyes. Avette's sweet baby boy. I scrambled back, screaming, as something sharp pierced my hand. I wrapped my fingers around a bent, iron nail; the only thing to survive the carnage untouched.
The bodies around me fluttered away like ashes in the wind, until the barren field was empty. Standing before me was a white-furred stag—the Stag—it's hooves raking across the once fertile ground.
A deep, burning rage came from the pit of my stomach and rooted me to the earth. "It's dead!" I screamed. "It's dead. Everything is dead and it's not growing back! And it's your fault. You let this happen!"
The Stag snorted and threw his head back, his antlers catching the beams of the sun like crystals. The light broke across the ruined ground in a pattern of rainbows.
"Don't you understand, you stupid animal?" I screamed. "This isn't supposed to be a beautiful place! It's a place were people died! It's the place that changed everything."
The Stag came forward until his warm breath tickled my face. I stared at him coldly. "What do you want from me? I can't do anything for you."
The animal looked up at me with wise, dark eyes and blinked slowly, ashes catching on his white lashes. He pawed at the ground once more and the land beneath him turned white as snow. The sweet smell of spring filled the air and flashes of the village as it'd once been caught my eye before disappearing like the wind. He pressed his nose into my shoulder and the ancient power flowing within him crashed down on me like an avalanche. The smells of spring and growth mixed with winter and blood; the dead and the living twining together, trees reached up to the sky and roots that sunk deep into the earth. The land slid from beneath my feet as I found myself staring at a massive ash tree. The Stag backed away from me and bounded into the distance as I watched him go.
AN:
Now that our duo is reconciled, what do you think they're going to be like?
Also, for more interesting duos, check out Ashes Come Dawn!