Chapter Seven:
Birth
I ran until the breath burned inside my lungs. The world whipped around me in streams of grey and blue and white. My eyes stung with the tears I was fighting to hold back.
I needed to leave. I needed to get out of here. I'm a monster. I'm a monster. The words echoed again and again in my head. If it wasn't natural for me to have lived this long then what if something was wrong with—something before I even lived in the Permafrost.
My father always called me his little politician. As a child I could worm my way out of any situation with whatever means necessary. He would take me to the market because I could haggle down prices and barter better than anyone he knew. If I fought against the other men I could use their words against them to make them look a fool. I noticed more than others. Being shrewd and resourceful helped me win the hunting games alongside the men and those skills served me well in the Permafrost.
Just because you're clever doesn't mean something is wrong with you. I thought as I stopped to catch my breath. Even now, I could feel the pull of the bond between Soren and I slowly bringing me back to him. My skin itched knowing that we were bound by blood; even if I scrubbed myself all the way down to the bone I would never get rid of that tainted feeling.
Anger rose through me like a wave of heat, I turned and punched a skeleton tree. My hand cracked against the bark and a shower of snow fell off the branches. I hit it again and again until my knuckles and the tree were smeared with blood. They stung like mad but they gave a release sweeter than honey.
I sunk to my knees, my head in my hands. Wandering alone in the Permafrost was suicide—even without the hundreds of goblins currently out for blood. If I managed to stay alive by myself it would be out of dumb luck, one thing I put zero stock in. And I couldn't cross the boundary without Soren crossing first; even if he did, he would still feel me. I still wasn't goblin enough for the spell he put on me to break by it's own accord. I was goblin enough for humans to notice though. A small part of me withered and died; I'd nursed the hope of escaping, of being free back in some human town far, far away. But if these men could tell I was goblin-like, others would too. Thorsten was right; they'd be on me like hounds.
So I was a monster, just like them. There was a nagging inside of me that argued that Soren had saved me. That it was the humans—the ones who were supposed to be good—that tried to kill me. I remembered the fury blazing in Soren's eyes as he attacked the men. Before I would've thought he did it because I was he property and he had to protect it; but what he said before I ran wouldn't stop bouncing around in my head. It hurt to wrap my mind around the idea Soren might have even a sliver of care for my wellbeing unlike the humans who'd marked me as tainted. Goblins weren't supposed to have mercy, care for others, that was a human trait. At the same time, picking Rekke's face, I couldn't believe that she took joy in another creature's misery.
Running away now, miles away from the Permafrost and with the Hunt in full swing would kill me. Standing, I balled my hands into fists and forced myself to breath evenly. As much as it killed me, I only had one rational choice of action. I sighed and started back, hoping I could catch up before they got too far.
__
When I got back to the campsite, I was mildly surprised to see Soren and the other two goblins still there, talking among themselves. So they hadn't left me alone in the Permafrost after all.
As I stepped through the bracken, Soren caught my eye. He rose an eyebrow but said nothing.
Rekke beamed when she saw me. "See, I told you she probably got lost following that lead. You should be more careful, Janneke, what if they'd actually been here still!"
"Yes," Elvira said. "She should be more careful. Soren wouldn't want to lose his protégé."
Soren shot a warning glance at Elvira. "Well, considering we found another body with it's guts smeared across the forest floor and the scent trail and power trail died after that, I'd say she's fine."
You don't need to cover for me. Both of you know where I was. I don't care if Rekke knows. I don't care if that brings shame upon you. I kept my mouth shut, though. This wasn't my place to speak.
Panic pawed at the ground when he saw me, his eagerness spilling through my limbs. I grabbed his bridle roughly, pulling his head down. "Not long ago you thought of escaping," I muttered.
If he understood me, he didn't show it, only jerking his head back. I mounted him and waited for Soren to take the lead. Surprisingly, he stayed back, allowing Elvira and Rekke to go forward. Shock was plain on Rekke's face; I figured this was the first time she had the honor of riding before a goblin such as Soren. Elvira hid her thoughts better, but I could still see through to the surprise underneath her icy mask. Obviously she hadn't expected Soren to give up the lead any time soon.
I kicked Panic into a canter and started after them, not bothering to let Soren catch up with me. I didn't want to hear whatever he had to say. His eyes burned on the back of my neck; never leaving my body as our horses ran the twisted route the silver prey line took. The silver line turned sharply away from the border of the Permafrost, plunging deep into the west of the territory.
I'd never been to the lands west of the Erlking's domain so when warm air hit my skin, at first I thought it was my imagination. The hot air hung heavy with humidity like a hazy summer day. The grasses and trees surrounding our path were burnt black by lightning strikes and charred with ash. The scent of burning lingered in the air.
Soon the breath weighed heavy in my lungs as the smothering heat covered me like a wet blanket. Panic's laboring breath grew heavier with each stride but the horse continued at his fast pace. Just like the rest of the Permafrost, this was a bastardized version of the human world. Angrily, I spat on the ground.
"We're in the Fire Bog." I jumped as Soren spoke from beside me.
I grunted something unintelligible, unwilling to start an actual conversation.
As usual, Soren's abysmal social skills didn't manage to pick up the message. "You came back. I knew you would."
"I don't want to talk about it."
"I need to tell you something," he said, nudging his steed closer to me.
I recoiled like he was an open flame. "I don't want to talk to you, or hear you gloat about being right, or listen to you try to explain how this is all for my benefit, or anything. If you try I swear I'll take my axe to you, you lilac-eyed bastard." I spat the words out venomously, the anger and hate instead me festering and begging for release. "I don't care that you saved my life! It doesn't make you any better. You're a monster, you all are."
Soren growled low in his throat. "What exactly is a monster to you, Janneke? You hunt down a doe and she believes you're a monster with her dying breath. A dog kills a rabbit and a mountain lion kills the dog. Which is the monster there? Is she a monster because she's on the Hunt, or is Elvira, because she's trying to kill her?" He jerked his head to where Rekke road. "Or are the ones who tried to slay you for attempting to save your life? What exactly is a monster?"
A shadow of doubt flickered across my face, but I said nothing.
"My point is we're all monsters to someone or something by some definition. It's the context of the situation that matters." His eyes rested on mine as the gnawing feeling from before grew in the pit of my stomach.
I was saved from responding when we met up with Elvira and Rekke. Elvira's snow cat was pawing the ground, leaving dark furrows in the earth. A harsh smell churned in the air; I crinkled my nose.
"What is it?"
Elvira turned her tense body toward me. "Something is off. Can you smell the air?"
"I smell it," I said, the strong sulfur-like stench was hard to ignore now. My eyes were stinging and watering while Panic flattened his ears and snorted. "Do you know what it is?"
Elvira shook her head and anxiety flashed across her face. "No."
There was a muffled thump as Soren dropped to the ground and put his ear against the mud. He listened, then let out an agonizing hiss, jerking back from the ground.
"Go!" he yelled as he climbed onto his horse and kicked it forward.
"What is it?" I asked.
An odd, sucking sound emitted from the ground below us as sulfurous clouds blotted out my vision. Panic whinnied in alarm as I urged him forward toward Soren and Elvira's distancing figures. Rekke raced next to me, her small, lithe body crouched forward on her stallion. She urged him forward with a hushed voice, but I could hear her panic breaking free. The sucking sound grew louder and louder, catching up to us, and I looked back in horror to see the ground collapsing behind us and dropping away into a never-ending abyss.
Yellow gas spewed from bubbles in the bog mud, emitting a toxic odor that had me swaying in my saddle. I gripped the reins harder, wrapping them around one of my hands. "Go, Panic! Go!"
Panic charged ahead, leaving Rekke in the dust. The tremors from the sinking ground boomed like thunder and the rising mist burned my skin like acid. I screamed as the skin of my arms burned and blistered, as my vision turned black and I swayed in my saddle. Soren looked behind him, eyes wide as they locked onto mine.
My arm throbbed, the bright red skin burning, swelling, as bulbous blisters spread across its length. I gritted my teeth in pain as they burst and sickly yellow pus spilled down my arm. The air around me was filled with yellow, choking gas and the sucking sound was getting louder, approaching us with blinding speed.
I spurred Panic onward, shouting encouragement. The pounding of his hooves was as loud as crackling lightning as he tried to race against the crumbling ground. His breath wheezed in my ear as he pushed himself forward. Soon we were neck-to-neck with Elvira and her giant snow cat. Soren was racing ahead of us, Terror heaving with each and every breath.
From beside me Elvira's snow cat snapped at Panic and the horse bucked up in fright. I held on, grateful that my arm was wrapped in the reins, and urged Panic to move again as he regained his footing.
"Control your animal!" I shouted to Elvira, barely able to hear my own voice above the sound of the sinking ground.
Elvira snarled at me, baring her teeth. Then she rammed her cat into the legs of my horse. Panic stumbled, fighting hard to keep his instincts under control. His thoughts echoed in my ears; this cat would kill him. This cat would eat him. It was a predator and he was its prey. The horse's wild heartbeat raced as he realized death was not just behind him, but around him too.
The glint of metal caught my eye as a short sword swung toward me. Almost automatically, I had my axe out and caught the edge of the blade against the wood. The maddening gleam in Elvira's eyes grew brighter as she hissed and brought her sword down again. I veered Panic away, getting dangerously close to the sucking mud.
She's trying to kill me. Despite the thought, I was strangely calm. So she was. Well, this was the Hunt. I heaved my axe into the air and swerved closer to her snow cat, bringing the blade down on her animal's haunches. It shrieked in pain as it stumbled and gave me the opening I needed. Urging Panic forward, I rode ahead into the mist.
__
By the time we had escaped the Fire Bog the agonizing blisters on my arm were dripping pus, the reddened skin flaked off to expose soft, sensitive flesh underneath. I clenched my jaw as even the slightest brush of air sent a wave of pain so terrible it was like I'd stuck my arm in an inferno. Behind me, Elvira's glare burned a hole in the back of my neck and her snow cat growled in pain.
The silver trail off the Stag was gone but if I closed my eyes, I could hear the animal's heartbeat thrumming in my ears. Somewhere deep in my powers, power resonated; the prey line had to be close. Darkness was falling swiftly, though, and we needed to set up camp and do something about our injures. The Stag could wait. It had to.
Soren stopped by a small half-frozen stream. The water was running at a slow enough pace that it wouldn't bother the goblins. I shifted in the saddle and lowered myself to the ground, cringing as sharp pain shot up my arms. The magic of the Permafrost would heal the goblins by the end of the night; but as I was still a human, the painful burns would heal naturally or not at all.
Doubt formed a pit in my stomach. I could barely manage the pain while riding. Even now my flesh burned like it was melting off the bone. When the time came to shoot an arrow or wield my axe I would barely be able to stand it.
I needed to survive. I had to survive.
Even if I survived the Hunt, even if I escaped, I had nowhere to go. The scene from this morning played through my head again as my heart crashed in my chest. The humans didn't accept me, I tried to run and I failed. Bitter disappointment came crashing down on me. I was a failure. I was going to turn into a monster, just like Soren wanted. I couldn't even convince other humans that I was on their side.
There's something wrong with you. You're not natural. I cringed. You don't want to die. The thought was like a punch knocking the breath out of me. No. I didn't want to die. There was a gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach growing ever stronger. I didn't want to die—I wanted to live. To run, be free, feel the wind in my hair, the exhilaration of the Hunt, and the adrenaline coursing through my veins.
But I don't want to be goblin. And if I didn't become goblin—if I didn't accept the cruel ways of this world—then death would be lurking around every corner.
The resolve that was as strong as steel right before the Hunt—that I would escape and forbid myself from growing close to my enemies, becoming them, was cracking. If I let down my guard, the memory of Soren's hand stroking my shoulder and the warmth of his body lulled me into relaxation. If I tried to reason with myself all I could think of was the instinct that kept me alive when the men attacked. Soren's words about monsters bounced around in my head, stinging like hornets.
Frustration brewed inside me like a storm. I couldn't understand. I needed to be alone. I needed to think.
Unaware of the war going on inside me, Soren and Elvira were debating whether or not to go for a swim.
"The water should help wash off the effects of the smoke," Soren said. "Better to get it out of our clothes, too."
Elvira's lip curl. "I'd rather not get wet."
"Scared of a little water? It's barely even running," Soren taunted.
"Scared?" she scoffed. "I'd rather not be naked in a river while others are out there hungry for our blood. We also leave trails, you know. Stopping would be foolish."
"No," Soren said. "What would be foolish is trying to cross the Fire Bog after we ran through it. What would be foolish is letting the smoke and debris from it stay on our body and possibly harm us more. The Permafrost heals, but only just."
"I think it's a good idea," Rekke butt in and immediately began stripping off her clothes. Without a moment's hesitation, she jumped into the lazy river. "Come on! Don't be so scared!"
Soren smirked at Elvira as the older she-goblin grumbled under her breath.
The sight of Soren as he undressed created heat that spread through my body and lingered like a hard ball in the pit of my belly. "I'm going a bit downstream," I said, forcing my voice to be steady.
"Awww," Rekke said. "Janneke's shy!"
Elvira snorted as she leaned against the riverbank, her bare, perfect breasts just breaking the surface of the water. Envy choked away any retort I had. I may have hated the she-goblin and her beauty might've been an illusion, but it was a damn good illusion.
I caught a flash of Soren's pale, naked body out of the corner of my eye. His chest was hard with muscle and scar tissue, I forbade myself from looking any lower. "Janneke can bathe wherever she wants to." Was it just me or did he sound amused?
Fighting off embarrassment, I stalked downstream. If Elvira was right and some goblin was going to slaughter them, at least I'd know by the blood in the water. It was blissfully cool against my burning skin, turning the pain in my arms from agonizing to tolerable. I dived down, relishing in the sharp coldness. Before everything, when I was still normal, I used to swim all the time on the fishing docks that were a half hours ride from my village. But now I was among creatures who couldn't stand the idea of running water and setting the village record for breath holding was the least of my concerns.
I dove into a deep patch of the river, darkness surrounding me with walls of stone as the current rushed to pull me under. I could live among these people and try to make whatever bonds I could. I could let Soren grow closer to me, become a true friend to Rekke, hunt the Stag and relish in my own power. Or I could run away. If I ran and managed to live among humans again then I might have to forsake hunting forever. If I was goblin enough for men to notice, I might secrete power without realizing it. Soren, should he survive, would be able to find me. Any goblin would; it would mark up the town I'd settled in like a flare. I didn't have the desire to be anything but a huntress, a shieldmaiden, but sans death, in the human world that would be my only option.
You don't hate Soren. You just wish you did.
Even now, after all that was said and done, I was terribly aware that there was something different in the way Soren treated me. When he destroyed the hunters that tried to kill me it wasn't the need for blood that drove him on, it was the idea that they had almost killed me. The night of Helka's death, his touches were meant to comfort me and his body was meant solely for my warmth, not because he desired something that most would just take by force. My heart fluttered in my chest, beating like a trapped bat against my ribcage.
By now, my lungs were crying out for air and I burst onto the surface of the water, gasping. As I cleared the water from my eyes, I found myself almost nose-to-nose with Soren who was sitting on the riverbank.
Before I could control myself, I shrieked. "Odin's Ravens! What the hell do you think you're doing?" Gods be damned. Can I ever be alone? At least he was clothed. The thought of his naked body sent shivers down my spine.
He looked unabashed. "Waiting for you to emerge. You can hold your breath for a long time."
At the moment I was gasping, but it had more to do with Soren attempting to scare the life out of me than the dive. "I used to dive...before."
"You must've been very good at it," he said.
"Yes I—" I froze. Maybe he wasn't naked, but I was. Humiliation burned through me and I sank back down until the water came up to my collarbone.
Soren eyed me like I'd gone crazy. I guess from his perspective, perhaps I had. Considering he and the others had striped down in front of each other with no hesitation, I doubted nudity bothered goblinkind as much as it bothered me.
"Do your arms hurt?" he asked.
I brought them out of the water, careful to keep my chest from being seen. It was stupid, I knew. He'd already saw the mass of scar tissue, the bits of skin snagged and curled grotesquely where Lydian had dug in his fingernails and sunk his teeth and burned with a white-hot brand, but I couldn't bear the idea of showing them to the world again.
"Yes, they hurt," I said, glaring at the blisters and burned flesh. From the sight of Soren's smooth, pale skin he must have already healed. That had to be the single good thing about being a goblin: as long as they weren't near a swift-moving source of water and were inside the boundaries of the Permafrost, the spirit of the landscape healed them.
"May I see?" he asked.
"Why?"
He tilted his head to the side. "You don't trust me?"
"Must I answer that?" I asked, then sighed. "Fine." He took one injured arm in his hand and brought it close to his lips. I jerked back. "What are you doing?"
Soren let out an irritated hiss. "Just wait." Then, he twisted my arm to the lightly colored underside brought his lips to the vein in my elbow. As he pressed his teeth to the skin with the slightest of pressure, his human-like features melted away. His eyes grew slanted and his face became gaunt, the tips of pointed ears peaked out of the cascade of white hair, and the length of his canines grew until they pierced through my arm. I shivered as a chill went through me from my neck all the way to my belly. When he pulled away, the burns on my arm had gone.
I stared at my now-healed arm. No scars, nothing remained as a reminder of the Fire Bog. The light brown skin was as smooth as it had been this morning. While I marveled, he took my other arm and did the same.
When he was done, he sat back and admired his handiwork.
"I didn't know you could do that," I said.
"We're all full of surprises," he replied. "You don't know everything about me."
"You don't know everything about me, either."
He chuckled. "I bet I know more than you think."
I turned my back to him, some of the fury that had managed to ebb away returning to ignite my veins. "I need to change. Leave."
"Is that an order?" he asked, his voice almost teasing.
I glowered at him in response.
He stood, brushing the frost-covered dirt off of his leggings, and turned away, heading towards a stunted tree in the distance. "Meet me by the lightning struck tree after you're dressed. We need to talk."
Murmuring some choice words under my breath, I slid out of the water and wrung my hair out, then quickly dressed. The warm, woolen wraps felt good against my legs and the thick furs lining my tunic took the chill from my body. My hair, which I'd taken out of their braids, was plastered against my face and neck, dripping water down the length of my back. I tied it up in a high tail, hoping that it would keep the worst of the water away.
Dread rose slowly as I glanced to where Soren went. In a crowd of goblins in the Erlking's hall, or in his manor's archery range shooting at corpses, it was easy to be around him. But as soon as the others disappeared everything changed. Maybe it was the infuriating way he'd tilt his head like a child acting at innocence, maybe it was how what he said needled me into long conversations where we shot words at each other like arrows. Maybe it was just that I knew the closer I got to him, to anyone, the more I could lose myself and let go of the anger and memories inside of me. It didn't matter. When I was alone with Soren, there was always the vague sense that something threatening was hovering over my head like an executioner's axe.
But I didn't have a choice. His words were clearly an order and I was bound to his will. So I gathered myself, composed my features into an emotionless mask, and joined Soren by the stunted tree.
He lounged among the roots like they were his own personal throne. The ancient tree was blackened by lightening and its skeleton arms reached up toward the sky. The sun-bleached white roots covered the ground around us, growing over each other and twining together like a mass of snakes. I sat down a few feet away from him and waited.
He turned so his body was facing mine. The animalistic features of his face had returned to their natural, eerie, too-perfect-to-be-human look. "Do you think something is wrong with you, Janneke?"
I almost choked; the mask I'd composed shattered into a million shards. "Is this some kind of sick joke?" Of course something was wrong with me. I was sitting here next to the world's most deadly predator, hunting a sacred Stag in the middle of the Permafrost, after one hundred years of servitude that should've left me dead. I was the epitome of wrongness.
"I'm serious," Soren said and from the glint in his eyes, I believed him.
"Yes."
"Even before you were brought to the Permafrost?"
I thought about it. Growing up, I watched my sisters get married and have babies, one by one, while I ran wild in the woods and learned to use a bow and axe like they were extensions of myself. When the young men of the village erected courtship poles outside the huts of the girls they admired every midsummer, I ran out to see if one would have my name carved into the side, until one year my father took me aside and told me that it would never happen. When stories were told by a brilliant fire in the middle of the long winters I was forced to sit far at the edge away from the others as if somehow my very presence was tainted. For the longest time I thought it was just because of the role I played in my family; the seventh daughter, raised to be a son. But maybe it was more.
"Yes," I finally said.
"Do you know how old I am?"
"Is there a point to this?"
"Just answer the question." He sighed in frustration.
"Relatively young, for a goblin in your position," I said. "Not yet a millennium."
"Seven-hundred and sixty-eight," he paused, his eyebrows furrowing. "I think. It gets a little fuzzy after a while."
"And?" Impatience crept into my voice. The sun had almost sunk beyond the horizon letting the sky bleed crimson red. Soon the temperature would drop and I didn't want to be without my bedroll and bearskin cloak when it did. I would've frozen to death last night if it weren't for them. And for Soren. I banished that thought from my head before it could take root and grow.
"One hundred and eighteen years ago, before I succeeded my father as lord, I was on a hunting mission near the edge of the Permafrost. It was just me; enjoying myself before I had to go back to court and deal with the numerous assassination attempts being thrown my way by various relatives. I was after a snow cat, the biggest thing you ever saw, and I wandered a bit too close to the border between realms to my liking."
Something about his voice rose the hair on the nape of my neck, but I forced the unease down and nodded. "Go on."
"There was a woman near there with a man, her husband, or so I assume. She was pregnant, though I say she easily had two months left at the least. I'm not sure what they were doing so close to the border either. I probably could've killed them and added to my hunt. I debated it, but before I could decide anything, she started screaming something awful. The man was trying very hard to keep calm, but I could smell the fear on him." He paused, waiting to see how I took that.
My mind felt strangely numb. "And what happened?"
"To spare you the gory details, she collapsed on the border and gave birth. The current between the realms probably didn't help the birth; but even so, soon enough a child slide out from between her legs; a girl. It wasn't crying, or I suppose, breathing, and its body was turning blue," he leaned forward to rest his elbows on his knees and waited a minute, his eyes catching mine as the purple reflected the fire in the sky. "They placed the child on the ground so they could hold each other and mourn the dead girl...but as the girl touched the earth, she started to scream louder than I would've thought possible."
Beads of blood trickled down my skin and I released my arm from the grip I hadn't know I was holding. My heart was hammering in my chest, thrumming away like a bat trying to escape a trap, millions of thoughts rushed in my head, all too fast for me to understand them. The numbness that was spreading through my body covered me like a blanket; shielding me from the conclusion that was right in front of me.
"Three years later, I found myself at the same spot," Soren continued after a moment. His voice was quiet, like he thought any loud sounds would scare me away. "And I saw her again; the girl. I'm not sure how I knew it was her, but I did. I'd gotten into a fight with some young lordling my father had sent to kill me and was dragging his body across the border so he would be denied a peaceful afterlife. She was standing there; looking more inquisitive than a toddler had the right to. In all honestly, she looked older. Her limbs were leaner, her eyes possessed a certain type of cunning, she came up to the dead body and examined the wounds, then looked up at my bloody sword and touched the metal, giggling as her hand was smeared with blood. That's when I knew that this human child had the Permafrost in her blood and the human world would never satisfy her. Not for long, anyway."
I closed my eyes. "Please don't continue. Please don't."
A soft sigh passed through his lips. "I waited until it was dark and in my impulsiveness tracked her back to her hut. I wasn't sure what I was planning to do once I had her—again, it was impulse, almost instinct I acted on—but I lifted her from where she lay and was about to leave when the father woke. I could've killed him, but if I did I probably would've ended up slaughtering the whole village and I felt like it wasn't worth the effort so I listened to him plead. He begged for the child's life and though I said I had no intention of killing her, begged still. So we made a deal. I would wait until she became an adult, let her live amongst the people of her birth, and then I would come and I would take her home."
I covered my ears, screaming. "Stop! Just stop! Don't say anymore! Stop!" My body shook violently and I dug my nails into my cheeks until they drew blood.
There was the rustle of boots against the ground and his strong hands wrapped around my wrists, restraining them so they could cause no harm.
"Janneke," his eyes searched my face and I turned away, squeezing my own shut. No. No. No. He's lying. He's lying. No. That never happened. He's lying. He's lying. Father wouldn't—mother—no. No. The world spun until I couldn't tell which way was up or down. The sky collapsed inward, crushing everything I knew to be true. The world fell apart in front of me and I had no way to stop it, only the feeling of grim certainty as my life turned to ashes and scattered in the breeze.
"Janneke," he said again, his voice almost a whisper, "it's alright. You're right where you're supposed to be."
AN: For more stunning revelations, check out Ashes Come Dawn!