Chapter Six:
Hard Truths
A sharp jab to my ribs woke me early in the morning. The sky was still a dark, deep blue and the world around me was fast asleep. I was curled up close to Soren, underneath his bearskin cloak. The memories of the previous day played over in my head as I moved away from him, my body burning with embarrassment. Before me, Rekke watched us with amusement sparkling in her dark eyes.
"Rekke?" I asked, rubbing the sleep from my eyes. "What is it?"
"You said you'd teach me how to shoot. I want to do it while the others are still sleeping, so they won't know I'm weak."
Damn it to Hel. I groaned internally. I'd forgotten my promise to the young she-goblin. I was mildly surprised she'd still want to train with me, after all, I did kill Helka last night. Shuddering, I studied the ground. The prey lines had become more visible since absorbing Helka's power and the current of living beings flowing through the air was almost tangible.
A quick glance around the camp confirmed that everyone was still asleep. Rekke must've had the last watch. I stood and stretched my aching muscles. We'd ridden hard yesterday and my muscles burned with effort, the mental exhaustion inside of me from my fight with Helka didn't help. Doubt was slowly spreading through me like a poison. Now was not the time to pay attention to that. If I could sneak off with Rekke, maybe I could survey the land for when I made a run for it.
"They'll be pleased if we manage to catch breakfast," I said, keeping my voice like.
"Of course, we'll manage." Rekke sniffed, obviously offended.
She's almost like a human child.
From where he stood, Panic nickered as I grabbed my bow. I reached out and ruffled his mane. "Stay here, boy."
Rekke raised an eyebrow at me. "Won't we cover more ground on the horses?"
"We'll scare more game," I said and started forward. "Come on, before the others wake."
Rekke paused, glancing at the sleeping goblins. "What if they're attacked?"
What if I don't give a damn? "I'm sure they'll be able to handle anything."
The young goblin grabbed her bow and followed at my heels. The cold air was sharp in my lungs as I walked through the Permafrost. Dead leaves and branches littered the ground, forcing me to walk with care. The skeletons of trees and other plants reached high into the sky desperately clinging to a sun that would never warm them.
If I could forget where I was, who I was with, what I was doing, it was almost like I was back home so many years ago hunting for my family. My heart sunk in my chest; that would never happen again. Even if I managed to escape this and live in the human world there was a nagging part of me that feared never belonging. And Soren, gods damn him, is right about would happened. The idea of the goblin lord looking out for my wellbeing made my body burn in a way I didn't understand. Soren was better off as far away from me as possible.
I reached for the nail in my bracer, hoping for the reassurance the cold iron would bring, but snatched my hands back at the slight stinging in my fingers. When I looked, they were bright red with small burns. Fear fluttered like a trapped moth inside my belly. This isn't right. It can't burn me yet. I'm not like them. Fear rooted me to the spot as the events of last night replayed in my head. Then I'd acted exactly like them.
"You and Soren looked very cozy last night." Rekke's comment stopped me in my tracks.
I raised my eyebrows at the young goblin. "Are you implying what I think you are?"'
She gave a wicked grin. "Yes."
Gods, I was hoping I only imagined my blush. "Well, you're wrong. I'd rather eat a live rat than be with him and I'm sure he'd say the same."
Rekke shrugged. "I doubt it. I mean, he's so passionate and handsome and strong." Her eyes gleamed as she spoke and I had to hide a chuckle. It looked like she might've fancied Soren herself. Well, she could have him for the good it did me.
"Passionate?" I said. "I wouldn't use that work to describe him."
"Well, I would. Besides, you can tell he cares about you."
"I'm his property," I said bluntly. ""Of course he cares."
Rekke sighed and shook her head. "You're hopeless."
"Wonderful." The nagging feeling about last night was growing harder to ignore. I wasn't blind. I knew that for a goblin, Soren paid a great amount of attention toward me as his slave. But that was all I was to him—a slave. And no Hunt, no gesture of presumed kindness, nothing would change that. Soren would always be my master—untouchable, unreachable, and someone who I hated with every fiber of my being.
Or at least, you used to. I told the voice inside me to shut up and focused on the crisp leaves crunching over my feet and the cold air chilling my bones. I wasn't sure how close we were to the border, but from the way the trees grew densely packed together and the birdcall up above it was possible we were close enough for some of the life to seep over from the other side. But we could still be miles away. I'd gone out hunting with Soren before, years ago, when I tried to defy the bond that bound me to the 'frost.
He'd let me run through the woods as it slowly gained more and more life, only for me to be jerked to halt near the border like I was controlled by puppet strings. I hadn't talked to him for a week afterward until the anger faded from my veins and the hatred cleared from my blurry eyes. Yet even as devious as he was there was no doubting he protected me when he didn't need to and that he treated me better than he should've.
Perhaps he always had this sinister plan for me from the moment Lydian threw me down at his feet. Perhaps he always knew what I'd become. Maybe some instinct deep inside him told him that there was a kindred spirit in me. And I couldn't deny that in his own sick, twisted way he cared about me and in my own sick, twisted way I cared about him too. It was far easier when blind hatred was my only emotion.
"We'll stop here," I said. "Let me see your stance."
Rekke pulled her bow from where it rested against her back. She got into her stance, her small, pink tongue sticking out the side of her mouth as she concentrated. Despite the unpleasantness of it all, watching the young goblin lifted a weight in my chest that I hadn't known was there.
The girl stood with her feet pointed inward and her elbow rotated toward the bowstring, one eye completely closed. Her arm shook as she struggled to hold the string against her chest.
I sighed. She wasn't kidding when she said she was no good with a bow.
"Okay," I said, "first keep your feet straight. Don't turn them inward toward your body. Your stance should be with feet parallel to each other or with closed hips."
Rekke scowled, but nodded and straightened her stance.
"Also, keep your elbow level, don't have it higher than the rest of your arm. Make sure it's straight or else the arrow will go flying and you'll bruise the inside of your arm." I touched her arm, lowing it until it was level with the rest of her. "Keep your bowstring taunt and change the anchor point from your chest to your chin," I said, taking her hand and correcting her grip. "Make sure both eyes stay open—I know some teach you to shoot with only your dominant eye but both eyes open increases the range of sight and strengthens the non-dominant eye."
She did as I said, shaking with the effort of holding the string back.
"Now, aim for the heart of that oak tree." I pointed to a big tree a few meters away from us. "And shoot."
She did. The arrow soared through the air and hit the oak tree with a dull thud. It hadn't gotten quite in the heart, but it had been close enough.
Rekke grinned, showing sharp canines. Hel's Gates, why do they have to have such sharp teeth? The unease was washed away when the young she-goblin jumped in the air. "I did it!" she cheered.
"Alright, let's try a few more times."
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That was how we spent the hours until dawn; shooting at every little thing that came in sight. Rekke was a fast learner and each mistake I corrected was not repeated a second time. She kept getting closer and closer to her targets, until I was sure that if she handled a bow against an actual foe, they might have something to worry about. Hopefully, that target won't be me. I shook my head, not wanting such thoughts to weigh down the light feeling inside me.
As the sun started to peek over the horizon, we stopped. "We should get back before they miss us. And pick up some breakfast on the way," she said.
I nodded.
But as we walked back, I noticed Rekke's shoulders tensed. She paused among the naked trees and I stopped beside her, leaves crunching under my boots. "What is it?"
"I smell..." She frowned, unable to put a word to it. "I don't know, something's amiss."
Come to think of it, the wind had a slight coppery tinge to it, almost like meat that'd been left out in the open too long. We were standing downwind so whatever it was, it was close. "Keep your weapon out, Rekke," I said and started forward, an arrow already notched in my bow.
Rekke crept behind me, steps silent as a mouse. The rotting smell got worse as we went forward through a twisted patch of brambles and through a grove of skeleton trees. Near the trunk of one was a pool of dried blood. I looked up and swallowed when I saw the dead body of a goblin skewered and hung on the tree.
Rekke let out a gasp before containing herself.
"The Hunt's first victims," I bent to touch the dried blood. It was brown and cracking, maybe a day or so old. Ignoring the smell of death, I took another whiff of the air to see if any goblin scent remained. A bit of the sickly, icy smell lingered in the air. Along with a sweeter smell I couldn't put a name to. "Rekke!" I barked.
"Yes?" She was shaking.
"Go back to the camp, get Soren and Elvira. The goblins that killed this one could still be around. Take them here. I'm going to scout."
"But you could be in danger too!" the she-goblin protested.
Not many of your kind would care about that. I shook the thought from my head. "This is the Hunt, we're all in danger."
Rekke nodded and took off the opposite way. I stood silently, trying to pinpoint where the sweet smell was coming from. My gut tugged uncomfortably. It was so strange and somehow so familiar, like the origin was just forgotten on the tip of my tongue. I stalked forward, bow still aimed before me.
Only when I saw the scent's owners did I stop. A group of human men were sitting around what looked like a failed attempt at starting a fire. Fools. Normal fire doesn't set in the Permafrost. My mouth fell open. There were humans in the Permafrost. That was practically suicidal. I couldn't even recognize them, their human scents were foreign on my tongue. My stomach churned.
Despite their failure to light a fire, they were joking and laughing with each other, unaware of the danger of the land they were in. Stupid. The sweetness in the air burned my nose and I held back a sneeze, not accustomed to the tickling sensation. The smell of other goblins burned my nose, but it was a good burn. This was just uncomfortable. They were laughing, not like how I'd come to know laughter. The sound roared deep from their bellies, scaring off any type of game in the area. It was so unreal, so alien. But they were my people; I had to do something.
Focus. You need to warn them. There was a Hunt going on and I wouldn't put it past any goblin to kill them for sport. It was obvious they weren't the ones to slay the goblin hanging from the tree. They were muscled yes, but their steel glittered without the tarnish a goblin's blood would've made and I wasn't about to believe that even a group of grown men could take on a single brute and survive without injury.
I found my voice. "You need to leave here."
At once, the laughter stopped. One of the men, a big one with reddish hair, grabbed an axe from the ground; quickly the other three followed suit. I stepped out from behind the trees, lowering my bow. When approaching prey animals it's necessary not to frighten them. One of my father's early teachings came back to me then. They were prey animals, what with the way they cast their eyes from side to side, looking for an escape, the twitchy nerves that showed even as they gripped their weapons so tight the skin of their knuckles turned white.
"Who are you?" the redheaded man asked. Then he narrowed his eyes and looked me over more carefully, taking in my clothes, my hair, all the goblin made attire that adorned my body. Hot shame flooded through my veins. Of course they don't trust me.
"That doesn't matter," I said. "But there are three goblins very close to here. They're on a hunt. Actually, you've picked the worst time to be here. The Permafrost is crawling with goblins who are trying to kill everything worth killing. You should leave before they find you—they'll come sooner or later. If you can get out of the Permafrost before they do, you might have a chance."
Yes, running was their only chance. I'd bet ten to one even Rekke could hold her own and win against their strongest man.
"Thorsten," a yellow-haired man said, coming up beside the redheaded one. "Look at her."
"I'm looking." The redheaded man—Thorsten—scratched his beard. "Where are you from, girl? Why are you out here so deep in the 'frost? Don't you know it isn't safe?"
"I could ask the same of you," I retorted.
"And why are you dressed like a goblin?" another man, this one with dark skin asked.
I bit my lip. "That doesn't matter. What matters is you need to leave."
Thorsten narrowed his eyes at me. "You've been here for a long time, haven't you?" He shook his head and his hand brushed against the butt of his axe. I raised my bow slightly. "That's not natural. I can smell the Permafrost on you."
Thorsten came forward, his tall and broad shape looming over me. I pointed my arrow at his chest. "Don't come closer."
Thorsten stopped where he was. "How long have you been out here?"
"Long enough," I said. A hard pit formed in my gut. These men should've been grateful I'd warned them. They should've scurried far away and saved their lives. But they were slowly approaching, their weapons drawn. "Look, I'm not your enemy."
The yellow-haired man said, "You know, one of the burnt lands near here was said to have a survivor, a long, long time ago. But after that long...it's not like they could be fully human anymore."
"I am human," I said. Burnt lands. That was the term for the human lands bordering the Permafrost that had been raided until nothing was left. My home was now a burnt land.
The dark skinned man eased a hunting knife from his boots. "You don't look very human," he said, creeping forward.
I pointed the bow to him. "Tell me about this burnt land where there was a survivor. Was the village called Elvenhule?"
He nodded slowly. Movement startled me from the corner of my eyes the other men starting to come forward. The gleam of an axe caught my eye and I snarled, ducking out of the way before it could come crashing into my skull. Red filled my mind and I let loose an arrow, only to realize too late I was shooting at the man I'd been trying to save. But they challenged you, a voice said. They want to kill you.
The man fell to his knees, grabbing at the arrow in his gut. Not a clean shot. I could've done much better if I had really tried. It would kill him all the same.
"Where is the village—where is what was left of it?" I shouted. "Tell me!"
"Two days hard riding south and another three days southeast," Thorsten said. "But you'll never get there. We're going to kill you now."
The yellow-haired man nodded. "It's a mercy. You've lost yourself. One hundred years in the Permafrost, you must have become savage to survive. You're nothing anymore. You'll never be human again. You're confused, violent, mixed with everything unholy. It's a kindness. Someone should've done it long ago. Even a goblin shouldn't have been so cruel as to let you revert from your natural state." He spat on the ground. "But I guess there's no telling what with those creatures."
As the men came forward, I forgot they were human; gods compared to the monsters I'd lived with for so long. I forgot about my fears and my hatred, I forgot about turning into a goblin. All I knew was that a threat was in front of me. Something wanted to harm me. I would not let it.
The man with the knife lunged just as Thorsten jumped at me from the other side. I knocked one of them back with the bow, trying to give myself room enough to grab my own axe. Cursed, long-ranged weapons.
I kicked out at Thorsten's knees and he crumpled to the ground, pain clear on his face. He grabbed the edge of my half-cloak and pulled me down with him until we were grappling on the forest floor. I let loose another arrow as the man I'd knocked back struggled to his feet; the satisfying sound of metal sliding through fleshing told me I'd hit my mark. Above me, an axe glinted on the morning sun and I braced myself for when the steel hit my flesh.
It never did.
The yellow-haired man froze in mid-swing, shock plain on his face at the arrow sticking out from his chest. With his free hand he scratched at the wound before falling to his knees. Behind him stood Soren, his white hair in disarray, his lilac eyes filled with a fury I'd never seen before. Faster than light, another arrow hit the dark skinned man and passed clean through his skull. He took me in for a second before turning his scorching gaze to Thorsten, who untangled himself from me immediately. Power spilled from his limbs, forming around him like a lavender cloud. The strength crushed the breath from my chest as he stalked forward. As he went, he passed the yellow-haired man and with a clawed hand, ripped out his throat.
Soren jerked his chin to the side, motioning me to move away. I did, grabbing my weapons and squeezing them to stop the shaking in my hands. They tried to kill me. I'm one of them. I'm human! They tried to kill me. They thought I was a monster. But I was like them. I tried to warn them.
Thorsten let out a cry of pain as Soren stepped on his broken knee. Using his foot to turn the man over, he gave Thorsten a swift kick in the ribs. The sickening crunch was followed by a low moan.
"You looked like you were interested in killing someone of mine," he said, circling Thorsten before crushing his hand under his boot. "I can't imagine why, knowing the retribution. And she was so nice to you too."
"Someone of yours, eh? I bet you really like her too. How she feels. I bet you feed off that in that sadistic way you fucking monsters like. I bet you saved her now just to torture her later. She deserves a human death." Thorsten spit red, his voice alight with pain and anger. His gaze rested on mine. "There ain't no going back to where you've been, girl! You've been corrupted. You set one foot in a town and they'll be on you like hounds. They'll know! It's not natural for someone to survive as long as you! Not natural, not at all!"
Coldness spread through my bones. Soren's gaze flitted to me. He looked like he was trying to tell me something, but I couldn't read his eyes.
Then he turned his gaze away to look at the broken man on the ground. "I protect my own," he said simply and with a heavy step, broke his neck.
The howling wind was the only noise for a few, long minutes. I took a second to catch my breath before collecting the arrows I'd shot. Soren did the same. I forced myself not to look at him, not to talk to him, not to think about him. I protect my own. The scar on my arm from where he'd first performed a bind curse burned. I protect my own.
Anger rose up through my bones. I wasn't human enough. I had been away too long. This was my fate and it was all his fault. If he hadn't singled me out, I would've died. I would've been happy dying with the other slaves. Even if he'd decided to kill me the day Lydian threw me at his feet like he should've then I'd be happier. I'd be with my family, feasting eternally. There'd be no more coldness, no more pain, no more bitterness and rage and shame threatening to overflow every single day. Instead I was here, stuck, becoming a monster.
This was all his fault.
"Are you alright, Janneke?" he asked. "We need to get back to the others."
I grit my teeth. "No," I said. "No I am not alright. I will never be alright."
Soren raised an eyebrow, confusing clouding his features. Did he expect me to thank him?
"You should've killed me," I said as the anger bubbled up to my lips. "You should've killed me when Lydian threw me at your feet. But you didn't. Was I some experiment for you? Someone who survived when no one else did? Did you want to see how far you could push me? How far you could make me go until I snapped? Everything you've done, you say you want to help, but all you want is to fuel some twisted type of amusement your kind love so much. He's right, you're a sick fuck. Protecting me, keeping me from killing myself, as you say, for what? Because I amuse you? You're disgusting. You—you—you," I stopped, anger jumbling the words to garbled mush.
Soren was quiet. "You're wrong," he said. "I've never once delighted in seeing your pain. I've never once thought of hurting you."
"Liar!" I spat.
"I can't lie." He stepped forward. "All I've done, I've done because I care for you."
I took a step back, then another, and then another. "Don't get any closer to me." My voice shook. "You ruined me. You ruined me. I will never be the same again." It hurt now, knowing this. I was surprised my body was still whole, the aching was so strong I was sure I'd split in half. The mangled spot where my right breast should've been began to sting and every other scar on my body burned with the pain of knowing how far I'd gone.
"Come back with me, Janneke." Soren's voice was soft, almost pleading. "Come back with me, you'll feel better soon."
I took another step backward. "No. Never."
"Janneke." He came forward with his hand outstretched. "Come on, Janneke. You don't feel well. You're sick—the steel is bothering you. Your emotions are bothering you. You need to breathe, you need to calm down and quiet your mind. Come with me, I can help you. I can make it stop."
I shook my head. "No." He can't make the hurting stop. He couldn't. Not when I was splitting apart.
"If you go I can't protect you from the others."
"That's exactly what I want," I snapped and turned, racing away into the tundra.
AN: Questions for the readers:
Do you think Soren might feel something for Janneke? Who is your favorite character so far? If you were a goblin, would you join the Hunt?
Also, if you like this story and want more badass characters, interesting fights, and cool worlds check out my other story ASHES COME DAWN